What I will remember from my seventh anniversary is trying not to cry in the parking lot when I heard about 600+ layoffs in local journalism.
I have no idea what of this collapsing industry I’ll return to when (if?) I go back to work and if there will be any room for me at all.
On that cheerful note, we now know that babies don’t like candlelit dinners in fancy (and overpriced) restaurants since all they want that late is to sleep. Which is a relief honestly since it turns out babies wanting to sleep at night is awesome.
It turns out that everyone is right about Zoulfa Katouh’s “As Long As the Lemon Trees Grow”. If reading this book was just one crying session on a loop, I can’t imagine what writing it would have been like.
Once you’ve seen Feras Fayyad’s “The Cave” (2019) which highlights the contribution of pediatrician Dr Amani Ballour, it’s easy to imagine this story in a hospital setting in Syria and to think you know exactly where the book is going. Not only is the plot twist devastating, the remainder of the story is not an easy read. There is a lot of trauma here and some of its healing may not appear as natural in your mind as it appears in that of the main character Salama.
My only criticism of the book is that parts of it are heavy with a kind of patriotism that feels out in place in literature written for our era. Perhaps it rings true for the years the book has been situated in. As the author cited The Hunger Games series in her (11 page long!) Acknowledgements, I wished some of the critiques made in those books were dwelled upon more in this story. God knows we need less romanticism about revolutionary politics.
Finally, consider this a gentle reminder that not all literature can be read in one night… and that at some point you can no longer live like you did as a teenager and feel like a part of your frozen heart needs to thaw with another rewatch of Grave of the Fireflies.
Official Secrets (2019) looks at a law which made a whistleblower’s actions illegal while she was attempting to expose other illegal actions (manipulating a vote, blackmail, bribery, threatening).
A small detail from Official Secrets (2019) that stood out: the whistleblower’s use of snail mail!
Other than skipping one scene and the use of extensive swear words, I really recommend the film.
I had not heard about it before and I was not aware of the real story it is based on. The film’s title references the Officials Secrets Act of 1989 and how that worked in one case against a linguist and translator opposing what her employer wanted from her before the war on Iraq.
The film highlights the good that can come when whistleblowers, journalists, and lawyers work independently but also team together when needed. It does a decent job at showing how a whistleblower’s original feelings and intentions alter over time.
It directs your attention at newsrooms and lawyers that aligned themselves in support of this war. The direction the case goes makes the story even more important as it highlights the inconsistencies of people in power.
Of course the film’s premise rests on the assumptions that it is legal and ethical to spy on people’s private conversations, that the law matters at any point before, during or after any criminal behaviour of governments. This makes its moral core different than that of other stories where even these assumptions are challenged and there are real people out there who are living with the consequences of raising this as a challenge.
A scene from The Mauritanian (2021) stands on the shoulders of not just cinematic brilliance, but also, the faith and the feeling of fraternity among people (even, or especially, if they are trapped together).
The film is based on the memoir of Mohamedou Ould Slahi, whose manuscript was described by Larry Siems as consisting of “466 pages, handwritten, in English – a language he largely acquired in Guantánamo.” Of course, these pages were redacted at first. Of torture, the former detainee writes:
“You don’t know how terrorizing it is for a human being to be threatened with torture. One becomes literally a child. An Arabic proverb says, “Waiting on torture is worse than torture itself.” I can only confirm this proverb.”
It is kind of sickening to read not only about torture but also the debates surrounding it – ‘is it legal?’ being one question – when there really should be no debate on it. Do we have to spell out why torture is indefensible?
Recently, another prisoner was in the news
Lets ask instead simpler questions. What does it mean to be missing, detained, and deprived of one’s life for years and years? It’s not like life stops there and so the deprivation is and ongoing torture, a systemic cruelty that is a symptom of a disease we have not yet named. There’s also the life that was stolen from a person. Even if the sentencing comes to an end, real life awaits for them but in their absence may have become unrecognizable as they may have become to it too.
In American Gods, Neil Gaiman describes prison “…at best, only a temporary reprieve from life, for two reasons. First, life creeps back into prison. There are always places to go further down, even when you’ve been taken off the board; life goes on, even if it’s life under a microscope or life in cage. And second, if you just hang in there, some day they’re going to have to let you out.”
Recently enforced disappearances have become the news even more so than ever before. In a country like Pakistan, even talking about it has been censored and people are self-censoring too. The irony is that the government that made big promises to end this cruelty and even made a Bill about it, not only ended up with a missing bill but also has borne the brunt of these disappearances themselves now that they have been removed from power.
Power is a strange thing. How does one ever ‘enjoy’ it? What do they do with all this power? Make another feel powerless? To ridicule, humiliate and degrade someone you’d have to have gone through trauma yourself. I can’t help but pray for healing for the people missing, for the people missing their loved ones, and for the people who have missed the memo that they are the bad guys in this chapter of human existence.
I have not written here for more than a year. I am experiencing deep grief. My grandfather passed away and I was in his room with him when Allah called him back. Grief is something I have written about a great many times on here. But this depth of grief seems so infinite that I gasp when I imagine how I will swim through it for the rest of my life. I have compiled a dua which you can read if someone you love passed away: tinyurl.com/duafordada
For some time now, I wanted to write to you about an album I’ve been listening to. It’s called When Smoke Rises and it’s by Mustafa (the poet). I attended a live performance he did of the album where he shared more context to each of the songs. A journo friend of mine and former colleague / team member was in attendance too and she sent over audio and transcripts of Mustafa’s descriptions. I will cherish this always, both the live performance and the care with which my friend shared parts of it that I feared I would forget.
I was asked about the parallels between Mustafa’s album and the Muslim understanding of grief. In this post I’m going to share some notes I wrote about his album as an answer to the question that was put before me.
What stood out strongly to me was Mustafa’s focus on remembering people who passed. In Islam, Muslims are encouraged to remember the dead, speak of them, and pray for them. Speaking of them, especially the good anyone saw in them, gives others a chance to carry forward that good. Loved ones are encouraged to do sadaqah e jariya (a perpetual kindness) in the form of planting trees, building wells, etc, on their behalf.
Grief is a delicate subject to write about. It is something that can physiologically impact people and the Quran includes the story of Prophet Yaqub, peace be upon him, who lost his eyesight out of his deep grief when his son Prophet Yusuf, peace be upon him, was taken from him.
During the show, Mustafa spoke about hierarchies of grief and how even proximity to grief makes you grieve. I understand this, it’s in the DNA of my faith. Take for example how Muslims are supposed to pause and acknowledge if a funeral is passing by; if it’s a Muslim funeral, it’s not seen as weird to be praying the funeral prayers or even join the funeral procession of someone who’s a complete stranger. Once the Prophet peace be upon him stood up for a non-muslim’s funeral and when he was told the person isn’t Muslim, he remained standing and said the following:
Qays ibn Sa’d reported: A funeral passed by the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, and he stood up. It was said to him, “It is a Jew.” The Prophet said, “Was he not a soul?”
In another narration, the Prophet said, “Verily, you stand to glorify Allah, who is the receiver of souls.”
Source: Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 1250, Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 961
Grade: Muttafaqun Alayhi (authenticity agreed upon) according to Al-Bukhari and Muslim
“The cameras and cops they coulda been stars on our mother’s news screens” / Stay Alive
‘Stay Alive’, among other things, follows the Muslim belief of not causing harm to yourself and your loved ones. People who lose loved ones to suicide carry a strange kind of deep grief — suicide is a sin in Islam so there’s grief attached to this sin followed with the stigma of those who wrongly believe suicide is an unforgivable sin. We who are left behind ask God to forgive our loved ones who died by suicide. That’s why “Stay Alive” has another meaning — whatever you do, please don’t go.
Umm al-Fadl reported: The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, entered the home of Al-‘Abbas while he was complaining and wishing for death. The Prophet said:
O ‘Abbas, O uncle of the Messenger of Allah, do not wish for death. If you are a good-doer, your goodness will be added to your goodness and it will be good for you. If you are an evil-doer, you will be given time to make amends for your evil and it will be good for you.
Source: Musnad Aḥmad 26874, Grade: Sahih
Anas ibn Malik reported: The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said:
None of you should wish for death due to a calamity that has afflicted him. Yet if he must do something, let him say: O Allah, keep me alive so long as life is good for me, and cause me to die if death is better for me.
Source: Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 5671, Grade: Muttafaqun Alayhi
“I wonder why God keeps us alivе?” / Air Forces
In ‘Air Forces’, there’s sadness that comes with making peace with predestination and God’s plan for you. Allah reminds us in the Qur’an: “You may dislike something although it is good for you, or like something although it is bad for you: God knows and you do not.”
A few parts of our rizq (sustenance) include — beyond the money that we earn and can spend — who we marry. Mustafa has spoken about how our elders escaped wars only to find themselves in the war in the neighbourhoods they immigrated to and sought refuge in. The song seems to be about an impending sense of grief that comes when you fear someone you love could be next. Faith being our coping mechanism can also get backlash since a Muslim could easily be seen as being “too holy”.
“Oh, I’m too young to feel this pain” / Separate
‘Separate’ is one of my favourites on the album. Mustafa appears to use a metaphor that describes the finality of separating the soul from the body, of the human from his loved ones, and of us who have loved the earth from this temporary home. Achingly, Mustafa is seemingly saying he’s “too young” for this seperation. For someone who has lost a person to the world “beyond the grave”, being left behind, unable to communicate to them, and being unable to “feel anything in the night” is a devastating experience of grief. We associate the night with deep contemplation and prayer — it appears there is no rest for those of us who grieve in this world.
“Oh, I know what’s at stake” / The Hearse
In a video by Genius, Mustafa describes The Hearse as a song that he wrote about when he was coming back after burying his friends. The friends he would be coming back with would play more loud music while he’d want to put on something softer. The Hearse is about wanting justice and so it it fits with Islam, which is not a pacifist religion and it believes in self-defense. What’s interesting about this song is that he acknowledges that feeling of anger when someone you love is unjustly taken from you. However revenge is not always the same as justice and Muslims cant take anyone’s life just because of their (just) anger. Everything has to be for God. There are those kinds of grief that are scary because they make you a hateful person who is only operating from a place of anger. That feeling should be made distinct from one’s own belief in Islamic justice and that self-awareness is reflected in: “I can’t choose right or wrong, right or wrong”.
The Hearse goes on to talk about the kaffan (a white cloth used to wrap a dead body) which is a very Muslim thing no matter where in the world you’re practicing Islam. The song discusses the more practical aspect of grief which includes washing the dead (i.e. the ghusl), and the burial (the janaza). According to Mustafa, death becomes the great equalizer and removes economic differences. However friends no longer “rock the same clothes” after one of them dies; they go from wearing the same clothes to one of them being wrapped in white and being buried with just that and his deeds. “But you made yourself special, I wanna throw my life away for you.” The song also refers to suicidal ideation and dealing with it is its own kind of grief.
“This place isn’t ours anymore” / Capo
Mustafa said that “Capo” was for someone who returns from prison back to the neighbourhood and how them being away in prison could have been a mercy for them as to what it protected them from. However prison itself comes with its own mercilessness.
“I try scrubbin’ it off when I’m in the shower”
The way modern day prisons are structured these days, you can’t erase or forget what you undergo. For Muslims the ghusl (the one that’s not for the dead but for the living) is a shower you take after you’ve been unclean (so for example after sex, after menstruation etc) not in the spiritually unclean sense but just as a physical impurity. The song refers to returning from a place that took a toll on the body but maybe will never be easy to get rid of.
Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “The world is a prison for the believer and a paradise for the unbeliever.”
Source: Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 2956
Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Muslim
Muslims know that there’s a feeling of being unable to fully experience this world because this isn’t the final home. One could be willing to throw away his life and the little peace he has protected and cultivated, but harming oneself is not how Islam recommends channeling one’s grief. Life can be miserable but you can’t choose to act on grief, rage, or even admiration for another person by acting on harm.
“Ali, there were no words to stop the bullets” / Ali
The caption on the youtube vid for the song “Ali” has this dua: “Oh Allah, forgive Ali and elevate his station among those who are guided. Send him along the path of those who came before, and forgive us and him, Oh Lord of the worlds. Enlarge for him his grave and shed light upon him in it.”
The song ‘Ali’ is deeply personal and it’s a very raw form of grief. Muslims aren’t encouraged to chase death and they’re told to treat their lives and bodies as sacred and that too of others. So in the song when Mustafa sings:
“You should’ve lеft your home I told you to go I told you it wouldn’t be safe I told you it wasn’t the way”
it’s him kind of rebuking his friend, being upset, and also grieving. It’s a very complicated song. It’s almost like he’s saying you weren’t careful enough while also not blaming him.
“Oh how I prayed and I prayed”
This line reminded me of praying either through the initial stages of grief where you believe someone is going to die (and they havent been visited by “the angel” yet – here this refers to the angel of death who in the Quran has been referred this way: ” Say, ‘The Angel of Death put in charge of you will reclaim you, and then you will be brought back to your Lord.’ “) — who was also referenced in the caption of the Stay Alive video: “You know the angel of death knows our streets very well”
All of our dua in Islam can impact one’s decree (and Mustafa refers to this here in these words: “A written life, and I have my bros tryna change their fate”). Some statements by the Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him:
“Nothing can change the Divine decree except dua” “No precaution can protect against the decree of Allah. Dua is beneficial with regard to what has been decreed and what has not been decreed. The dua meets the calamity that has been decreed and wrestles with it, until the Day of Resurrection.”
Often, Muslims in their grieving process become wrapped up in this guilt where they think they didn’t pray enough or weren’t asking for a specific thing etc. But no dua goes unanswered. Abu Sa’id al-Khudri reported: The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “There is no Muslim who calls upon Allah, without sin or cutting family ties, but that Allah will give him one of three answers: He will quickly fulfill his supplication, He will store it for him in the Hereafter, or He will divert an evil from him similar to it.” They said, “In that case we will ask for more.” The Prophet said, “Allah has even more.”
Source: Musnad Aḥmad 11133
Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Al-Albani
Here the song could also be for those who have prayed and prayed AFTER death has taken their beloved friend’s soul… Uptil the body isn’t buried, Muslims are told to pray intensely since the soul is going through the trials of death.
“Now it’s only me that needs to save himself Feel like I can’t be here while you’re in that realm”
Grief among Muslims also looks like trying to be good people after their beloved family and friends have passed away… there’s the hope that you can reunite with them in Jannah (Paradise).
“Oh I need time Oh I need time, to mourn you Time to mourn you”
the Muslim burial process is pretty quick and there’s a belief that you shouldn’t delay is unnecessarily – lots of people argue against holding the body in the morgue for days on end to await a family member who wants to be there for the funeral… people also argue against sending the body overseas since that delays the burial… Plus when it’s all done, Muslims aren’t really encouraged to go into mourning. The only exception to this is Muslim widows that undergo a period of mourning called the iddah after which they can go on and remarry etc. The poignancy of this line is that the burial is very quick and the grief that comes with mourning often lasts longer.
“We forgot to talk about Heaven And leavin’ And what it would mean And how I would grieve” / What About Heaven
What About Heaven is at the core of the Muslim-ness of When Smoke Rises. The question “What if you’re not forgiven?” is grief at its most vulnerable; you want to reunite with those who have passed away and a paradise without them seems unimaginable. In our faith, there’s no guarantee that you’ll end up in heaven and it doesn’t matter if you’re Muslim or not. Our faith teaches us to look at both intentions and actions; anyone who has believed in Islam but does good actions just out of ostentatiousness or arrogance…their deeds are not for God. Muslims constantly worry if their actions are pure, and we pray that Muslims who’ve passed away are forgiven (the default is to ask for their forgiveness even if they were super pious people).
“I’m chasing your scent, I’m chasing your scent”
A good person becomes like a beautiful scent when they’re dying and when the angel of death is taking them away from the earth, other angels ask whose beautiful scent that is.
Talking about heaven is also just a way to cope with this world for a Muslim. We remind each other of the life to come and how this prison will end.
“Please come back, to me Please come back At least in my dreams” / Come Back
This song to me is a time capsule which includes memories and things you knew before you lost that knowledge or became aware of how it was not true. Each line in it is so special but to me it’s the request at the end that made me cry. When people die, you see them in your dreams and good dreams are from God. May Allah make the outcome of all our dreams good.
During the live performance, Mustafa said that therapy won’t be enough, conversations won’t be enough — sometimes we will need to go to the ends of the earth for our healing. May Allah make our healing possible, accessible and ease us into it with as much gentleness as only our Creator can.